... of countless ways in which
Our Creator constantly romances us.
I lift Your name above all else this morning. You are the bright eternal sun, blazing gloriously even when we can’t see You because clouds of worry block Your light or the entire planet of our being has turned away from You. Yet You created us to continuously turn back toward You in cycles, even when our heart is tilted and bent towards turning and turning and turning forever. You are so much greater than any human cycle, even the ones lasting thousands and thousands of years. You are constant, ancient, and always. Your love is stronger than any other force in existence, and nothing can stop it. Despite the intensity and enormity of Your power and Your scope, You’re still fervently interested in the details of my life, and the state of my heart.
I confess that I’m still entertaining confusion about what to do with my life. Every time I wake up from wallowing in failure and futility and determine to scrape myself together and diligently work hard toward success, the contradictory religious voices rear up, accusing me of selfish ambition, lecturing me about focusing only on You and not worrying about “worldly success.” I’m still not clear on it all, and I don’t want to move forward on anything that would pull me away from you or my family duties or be a distraction. Yet I know You can’t have meant for me to stay in poverty on purpose.
Thank You that You will–in Your perfect timing–blast through all this nonsense for me. Thank You for sending Pastor Ed, a willing mentor who gives out his cell phone number and returns messages as quickly as he can. Thank You for Hope Hollywood and that whole family there. Thank You that You will show us how to fit ourselves in there and serve as much as possible. Thank You that Ian is already feeling drawn towards serving and cooking for the soup kitchen there. Thank You for my outrageously amazing children and that our marriage has bounced back through steady and serious prayer.
Abba, please send me a clear message about what the highest & best for me is at this point. There will be plenty of time for me to pursue all kinds of other things once the kids are grown, so I don’t want to waste these precious years on getting things out of order, but I also don’t want to put off any success that we could be enjoying together now. I would so love to be able to travel with the kids while they’re still young, and to just have a more open and flowing attitude and way of being. Help me to trust You more and to know that I can’t get in your way, or (if I can get in your way and stop you from blessing us) please show me how to get out of Your way!! 🙂 I love You, Abba. Thank You for everything, especially for prayer.
In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!
I’d been suffering through a low-grade semi-depression for a few weeks (pretty much since New Year’s Day), partly from not having a clearly defined purpose or goal to work towards, and partly from our family’s new schedule not allowing me much time to meditate, journal about, or work towards any goal I might choose.
Then yesterday that depression came to a head when the one goal I had chosen was suddenly squashed by a conversation I had with my husband.
Suddenly I was left adrift, floating aimlessly, feeling very un-driven and purposeless. Not a very all-American feeling.
And right at the very end of the day, as I was tucking myself into bed early, I picked up my journal to scrawl a few ridiculous lines about how I was so depressed I was practically suicidal (in the sense of wanting this all to just end already so we could all go straight to Heaven).
But the odd thing was that what came to mind was that now my only purpose, goal, and intention for this year was PRAYER.
And with that realization came a flood of hope and power.
I’m really going to dedicate this entire year to the practice of prayer???
What?!?! This is going to be the most ridiculously powerful year ever!!!
And so it begins. The best purpose ever.