... of countless ways in which
Our Creator constantly romances us.
I lift Your name above all else this morning. You are the bright eternal sun, blazing gloriously even when we can’t see You because clouds of worry block Your light or the entire planet of our being has turned away from You. Yet You created us to continuously turn back toward You in cycles, even when our heart is tilted and bent towards turning and turning and turning forever. You are so much greater than any human cycle, even the ones lasting thousands and thousands of years. You are constant, ancient, and always. Your love is stronger than any other force in existence, and nothing can stop it. Despite the intensity and enormity of Your power and Your scope, You’re still fervently interested in the details of my life, and the state of my heart.
I confess that I’m still entertaining confusion about what to do with my life. Every time I wake up from wallowing in failure and futility and determine to scrape myself together and diligently work hard toward success, the contradictory religious voices rear up, accusing me of selfish ambition, lecturing me about focusing only on You and not worrying about “worldly success.” I’m still not clear on it all, and I don’t want to move forward on anything that would pull me away from you or my family duties or be a distraction. Yet I know You can’t have meant for me to stay in poverty on purpose.
Thank You that You will–in Your perfect timing–blast through all this nonsense for me. Thank You for sending Pastor Ed, a willing mentor who gives out his cell phone number and returns messages as quickly as he can. Thank You for Hope Hollywood and that whole family there. Thank You that You will show us how to fit ourselves in there and serve as much as possible. Thank You that Ian is already feeling drawn towards serving and cooking for the soup kitchen there. Thank You for my outrageously amazing children and that our marriage has bounced back through steady and serious prayer.
Abba, please send me a clear message about what the highest & best for me is at this point. There will be plenty of time for me to pursue all kinds of other things once the kids are grown, so I don’t want to waste these precious years on getting things out of order, but I also don’t want to put off any success that we could be enjoying together now. I would so love to be able to travel with the kids while they’re still young, and to just have a more open and flowing attitude and way of being. Help me to trust You more and to know that I can’t get in your way, or (if I can get in your way and stop you from blessing us) please show me how to get out of Your way!! 🙂 I love You, Abba. Thank You for everything, especially for prayer.
In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!
Ha! So the “praise report” of yesterday was met with a fresh bout of teasing followed by crabbiness when I didn’t submit to it. It’s basically like my report automatically triggered a test to find out if the report were true, or if the change in my husband was going to be met by an equal change in me. I think it’s safe to say I failed the test. I fell into the trap same as the old me. And then his commitment to being impeccable with his speech was out the window too. We spent the rest of the day like little kids, either bickering or just bristling. This is my opportunity to rededicate MY side of the equation, which is of course all I can ever change.
You are the great I AM. Nothing changes You. You depend on no one else’s compliance or cooperation in order for You to be pure grace and love. You cause the sun to shine on the good little obedient ones and the belligerent naughty ones, because YOU ARE sunshine. You are perfect and holy and always gentle and loving. Your heart is infinitely good and wise.
I confess that my heart is still full of darkness and malice, and that’s what spills out if I’m bumped the wrong way. I cause my sun to shine only on those who meet my conditions. I love the lovable and hate the hateful. I am double-minded and unstable. I don’t depend on You for Your strength and love, but try to do it on my own, and fail miserably. I need You desperately.
Thank You for Who You are, and for offering to be my strength. Thank You for taking my heart of stone and melting it. Thank You for my husband and my beautiful children. Thank You that You can and will make me worthy of my calling. Thank You that You can change me and make me the wife and mother that will help them flourish and live lives of extraordinary worship, service, and love.
Please teach me unconditionality. Please surround me with examples of women who lead with grace, love, compassion, wisdom and gentleness that will show me the way, mentors I can model in that department. Please help me to not get distracted by unessential things, but to give my husband and children the attention and the prayer they need. Help me to become a true prayer warrior, and to serve you faithfully and tirelessly, and to love prayer more than profitable or “creative” work. I want to want You above all.
In Jesus’ name, amen.