... of countless ways in which
Our Creator constantly romances us.
Ha! So the “praise report” of yesterday was met with a fresh bout of teasing followed by crabbiness when I didn’t submit to it. It’s basically like my report automatically triggered a test to find out if the report were true, or if the change in my husband was going to be met by an equal change in me. I think it’s safe to say I failed the test. I fell into the trap same as the old me. And then his commitment to being impeccable with his speech was out the window too. We spent the rest of the day like little kids, either bickering or just bristling. This is my opportunity to rededicate MY side of the equation, which is of course all I can ever change.
You are the great I AM. Nothing changes You. You depend on no one else’s compliance or cooperation in order for You to be pure grace and love. You cause the sun to shine on the good little obedient ones and the belligerent naughty ones, because YOU ARE sunshine. You are perfect and holy and always gentle and loving. Your heart is infinitely good and wise.
I confess that my heart is still full of darkness and malice, and that’s what spills out if I’m bumped the wrong way. I cause my sun to shine only on those who meet my conditions. I love the lovable and hate the hateful. I am double-minded and unstable. I don’t depend on You for Your strength and love, but try to do it on my own, and fail miserably. I need You desperately.
Thank You for Who You are, and for offering to be my strength. Thank You for taking my heart of stone and melting it. Thank You for my husband and my beautiful children. Thank You that You can and will make me worthy of my calling. Thank You that You can change me and make me the wife and mother that will help them flourish and live lives of extraordinary worship, service, and love.
Please teach me unconditionality. Please surround me with examples of women who lead with grace, love, compassion, wisdom and gentleness that will show me the way, mentors I can model in that department. Please help me to not get distracted by unessential things, but to give my husband and children the attention and the prayer they need. Help me to become a true prayer warrior, and to serve you faithfully and tirelessly, and to love prayer more than profitable or “creative” work. I want to want You above all.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Abba, You are Eternal and Majestic. Everywhere at once. All-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful. You invented all of this, from our brains to the rain, from emotions to the oceans. You created the very idea of weather and beauty and nature and Life. You gave us breath, created our spirits, and invented language. You are so beyond anything I could ever comprehend. You are endlessly loving and kind, and You go above and beyond showering us with gifts every day. You don’t take it personally when we don’t notice. You just keep loving and giving because that’s Who You are. You forgive us completely and wipe the slate clean over and over and over. YOU adore US!
I confess that I have NOT been seeking first the Kingdom. I’d honestly forgotten about that verse all together. It wasn’t until I was meditating on the free gifts You sent us yesterday, wondering so ridiculously what I’d done “right” in order to deserve them, when I realized they were just a grace, just a gift. I confess that subconsciously, where I can’t completely access and change those thoughts, I must still think that I have to EARN Your favor. I’m still playing the good little girl and trying to please You. I still don’t understand Your radical unconditional love. And I confess that I’m NOT practicing the spiritual disciplines that would enable those subconscious changes to happen, not placing myself at Your feet and in Your presence often enough for You to get any real work done on growing and healing my spirit.
THANK YOU for Your unconditionality, even if I don’t understand it and can’t receive it fully. Thank You for the free stroller and high chair we so badly needed! Thank You for giving me the energy and motivation to clean the house yesterday, so I can feel sane again inside these walls. Thank You for the kids’ great attitude about helping out, even if they DID need to nap in the middle. 😉 Thank You so much for the Manna Room and our adorable friends there. Thank You for this season of poverty and the many gifts it has brought. Thank You for all the free food in our fridge to get us through the weekend. Thank You for parents’ night tonight.
Please bless the work of our minds today as we plan out this evening–give us extra favor and grace to pull it off in a way that blesses everyone involved and makes huge advances in relationship and connection among the Mosaic parents. May we all leave this evening feeling like it was one of the best nights of our lives, and may lasting friendships be built and strengthened. Please also help me to build a Discipline Junkie community that can grow in the spiritual disciplines together and sharpen each other, encourage one another toward more focus on You and more practicing the things that will actually make the biggest difference in our lives. Remind me to seek You and Your Kingdom and righteousness first, and teach me again what that even looks like in my specific circumstances. Please make me like You–loving EVERYONE UNCONDITIONALLY. Thank You for Your patience!
In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!